Should you let children win at games?
I was convinced that you should play properly against kids and not let them win. But the more I thought about it and discussed it with others, the more I realised: it depends.
If my memory serves me right, my father never let me purposely win a game. I’d never given it any thought, so I guess losing wasn’t a problem for me. My self-confidence didn’t seem to suffer as a result. And it’s not like I just played against my dad, but also other against kids. So little David here also occasionally managed to defeat a Goliath or two.
It seemed perfectly natural to me that children lose to adults. In fact, I enjoyed that my dad usually won. He was my idol and the best. «Someday,» I thought, «I’ll be grown up and just as good.»
Even looking back, I don’t see anything wrong with that. By always going all in, my father showed me that he was passionate about a game and that he took me seriously as an opponent. If I’d noticed him playing sloppily or making a deliberately dumb move, I would’ve been annoyed. And what if I hadn’t noticed? Well, I probably wouldn’t have looked up to him so much. Worst case, there wouldn't be much mutual respect.
Every case is different
However, based on my own experience, I wouldn’t say it’s always a good idea to not let kids win. As I don’t have kids of my own, I find it touchy to give parenting advice in the first place. I’m convinced that raising children is much tougher than it looks.
That’s why I took my question to my colleagues on the editorial team. This soon revealed that each child reacts differently, and a lot depends on the circumstances.
One coworker told me that her uncle never let her win. This had a lasting negative effect on her. «I hate board games to this day,» she tells me. She adds that all that losing didn’t make her better at it either. And it certainly didn’t help that her uncle would make fun of her when she’d get angry after losing.
Domagoj, on the other hand, shows no mercy when he plays Mario Kart against his 10-year-old niece. Debora doesn’t spare her nephew either. She describes him as a little show-off with a big mouth. She also reckons it might do him good to be cut down in size once in a while.
Stephan is very forgiving when it comes to his three-and-a-half-year-old granddaughter’s innocent cheating. For his own children, however, there was no special treatment. He wanted to teach them that losing is part of the game. Lorenz says he deliberately doesn’t always play his best game against his daughter to up her chances of winning. Especially if he’s had a winning streak for a while. Age seems to be a key factor when it comes to choosing an approach. «If you show no mercy early on, the child won’t want to play with you when they reach an age when playing together is actually fun,» he points out.
For Martin’s 11-year-old daughter, playing Connect Four during the holidays was synonymous with «Dad wins». But she never gave up, and eventually did win a game. «That made her feel far more proud than if I’d simply let her win.»
Children might react very differently to the same situation. What’s motivating to some may be frustrating to others. That’s why I think it’s best to make decisions based on the situation rather than stubbornly sticking to certain principles.
Choosing a game
During the chats I had with my colleagues, we also discussed which games are suitable. We all agreed that the child should have a realistic chance of winning. For younger children, this will depend on their skills. Dice and card games that are mainly down to luck are always a good option. Many kids beat their parents at Memory and other concentration games, for example. They also tend to be on equal footing when it comes to playing video games. The older the child is, the more you can increase the complexity of a game.
Thinking back to my early childhood, I have zero recollection of victories or defeats. I probably just didn’t play any competitive games as a toddler. Not that anyone needs to at that age. The most important thing is to be spending time together.
Another way of making games fun for kids is to play in teams – you win together, you lose together. This is particularly true when your team isn’t just the mere sum of its parts, but needs to cooperate. Some games don’t even involve teams competing against each other, but everyone competing against everyone. This can be fun, too.
If you’re faced with significantly different skill levels, adding obstacles can work. For example, if you’re playing football against a seven-year-old, you could make your goal larger than theirs. This is guaranteed more fun for both parties than the adult slow-jogging across the field just to give the kid a chance.
What a child learns through play
Ultimately, though, every child has to learn to lose. There’s no way around it.
The best method is probably for adults to lead by example. Lorenz: «Maybe a child learns more when they watch you lose? Aren’t the real winners in life those who can accept defeat and let others enjoy their victory?» That’s also what Kevin wants to teach his children: shaking hands afterwards and saying, «Great game!»
I’m not convinced losing works like strength or endurance training. Meaning, a child doesn’t get better at losing the more they lose. I feel that other factors are crucial: how ambitious the kid is, how fair or unfair things pan out, how much luck or bad luck they have and what their general mood is. And above all, how much their self-esteem is boosted by winning.
Whether a child learns to be a good loser isn’t so much about the number of losses they’ve experienced, but on the circumstances. And as an adult, you can influence many of them.
The way you behave when you’re playing will show the child what it’s really about. Are you offering advice, pointing out mistakes or letting them undo a move? Then you’re all about the learning effect. Maybe you like creating a relaxed, cosy atmosphere? Then you’re conveying that spending time together is the most important aspect of playing games. Maybe you like to create a competitive environment, are always pointing out who’s winning and savour your triumph? Then your main goal is winning. If the latter’s the case, losing can feel like a direct blow to your self-esteem.
Personally, I never experienced schadenfreude from family members. My dad always gave me plenty of positive feedback, which made it obvious to me that he wanted what was best for me. At the same time, he taught me that winning is something you have to earn.
Children will definitely pick up more than just playing skills. But not always good ones. Worst case, they’re learning that you mustn’t show weakness or else you’ll be made fun of. In other words, that they’re only valued if they win. Ideally, though, they’re learning that a game can also be fun when you lose. Their takeaway message might also be that they always win, even when they’re not even trying. Or conversely: no matter how hard they try, they never win. In any case, it’s a good idea to think about what a child is learning when they’re playing.
You’re always a role model, no matter how you act
The longer I ponder the question, the more aspects come to mind. However, the bottom line to me is that you’re always leading by example. You’re showing ways to play a better game. And that it’s worth listening to what you say. By being a tough opponent, you can teach a child that they need to go all in to win.
You’re also leading by example in the way you play. Whether you’re a fair or unfair player, considerate or ruthless – kids take note. So you probably want to avoid teaching them that winning at all cost is the way to go.
Fairness is a big one for me. This includes not putting a child in an unfair situation where they can only lose. Especially if they don’t know what to expect. Add an adult who mercilessly wins? Not a great idea.
If I had to sum it up in one sentence: I’d play properly, give it my all but always in a way that’s suited to the situation. You won’t see me taking a full-force penalty shot against a five-year-old, for example.
After all, there are more important things in life than winning. Being considerate, for example. The more people learn this early on, the better.
Header image: Shutterstock
David Lee
Senior Editor
David.Lee@digitecgalaxus.chMy interest in IT and writing landed me in tech journalism early on (2000). I want to know how we can use technology without being used. Outside of the office, I’m a keen musician who makes up for lacking talent with excessive enthusiasm.
Opinion
This is a subjective opinion of the editorial team. It doesn't necessarily reflect the position of the company.
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