Defiant and rebellious: why your child’s «difficult phases» are so important

«Flipping heck!» I’m saying this more and more these days. And my daughter Zoe’s to blame for that in two respects. Firstly, because I don’t believe cursing like «goddammit» or «shit» is appropriate language to use when dealing with a soon-to-be five-year-old. And secondly, because Zoe’s in full defying, talking-back and not-listening mode. It’s enough to drive you up the wall. «Flipping heck!»

Without ever having done the deep dive into the world of parenting books, I’d already heard of the terrible twos, threenagers, fournados – the defiant phases in children. At least in theory. Real life taught me just how intense such a phase can be. Zoe regularly drives me crazy with her defiant ways. She makes me feel angry and powerless at the same time. I confess that I’ve raised my voice in situations like that in the past, and immediately felt sorry about it.

I really don’t like losing control, especially when dealing with my own daughter. At the same time, I’m fully aware that more of these situations are yet to come. Maybe there’s something I can do to prepare for them. I turn to Swiss child welfare organisation Pro Juventute (page available in German, French and Italian) for advice.

Anja Meier, are we in the middle of this much-cited defiant phase?
Anja Meier: That’s quite possible. Many children go through a defiant phase between the ages of two and four. It’s part of a child’s normal development. These stages of defiance recur throughout childhood in varying lengths and intensities. It’s a time many parents fear. Sure, it’s not a particularly pleasant experience when your child’s being stubborn and defiant. And yet, this phase of power struggles is a milestone in development.

Why is that?
Children this age gain a sense of self-awareness and therefore also learn to say no. By saying no, children try out how far they can go and get to know themselves and their abilities in the process. At the same time, they’re testing their parents and the resistance they put up against them. If the child reaches its own or external limits, this can trigger frustration and defiance.

How come?
Children aren’t yet able to postpone their wishes and needs. They believe that everyone sees the world as they do. Putting themselves in other people’s shoes is something they’ve yet to learn. In other words, defiant children aren’t out to annoy their parents, but are putting up with the fact that some things aren’t possible. During this phase, the child also starts to understand that it’s not just about them, but about the community, too.

What are the typical characteristics of the defiant phase?
Children often display a strong desire for autonomy during this time. They want to do things themselves and make their own decisions. Not being allowed to do something, not being able to do something or not knowing how to deal with conflicting ideas from adults can make children insecure or angry. They experience these negative feelings incredibly intensely. Or they might behave rebelliously in order to regain control.

What are the reasons for this?
Children’s language skills aren’t yet fully developed, which is why they sometimes find it difficult to express their needs. Other characteristics are strong mood swings, which can manifest themselves in reactions such as screaming or raging.

How do I best support my child during this phase?
In order for children to develop their skills and self-confidence, they need lots of space and opportunities to discover and try things out. They learn through their actions and from their experiences. At the same time, children also need their parents to give them guidance. They must learn to distinguish between the possible and the impossible, to respect the boundaries of others and to endure disappointment and frustration. A child who comes up against boundaries feels seen. What the child experiences is parents who are engaging with them and a sense that their actions matter.

How can I best help myself during this phase of my child’s life?
It can be quite tricky to know when a child can be left to their own devices and when you should set boundaries. Imagination, flexibility, empathy and understanding is what parents need in these situations. We recommend finding a happy medium and limiting bans to the most important things, such as dangerous situations. It’s essential to give brief and clear explanations and to state what your expectations are as the parent. Children need adults who not only set clear, understandable boundaries, but also apply them.

After a day full of defiance, resistance and not listening to me, I raised my voice at Zoe. Is that all part of it? What’s the best way to avoid losing your rag in the first place?
It’s perfectly normal for parents to occasionally feel powerless or angry when their children don’t respect them or keep challenging the boundaries they’ve set. Insecurity, anxiety, stress or exhaustion may intensify these feelings. It’s best to avoid knee-jerk reactions and, instead, keep calm and maintain a certain distance and not take the rebelling personally. Understandably, this isn’t always easy to put into practice.

«It’s just a phase...», my wife usually says before throwing a «...the worst is yet to come» in there. Does it ever end?!
Between the age of four or five, children begin to understand the needs of other people and adapt their behaviour accordingly. Being a parent is also often about trying and discovering new things. We recommend that parents give themselves enough time to grow with their children during this (first) phase of defiance and to practise calmness and composure, courage and curiosity.

Anja Meier works for Pro Juventute as Manager Media & Politics and lives in the Lucerne region. Pro Juventute is the largest Swiss foundation dedicated to children and adolescents. The foundation states that it focuses on where children and young people face the greatest challenges.