Background information
Why kids love to scare their parents – and what this teaches them
by Michael Restin
Why a strict upbringing makes kids better liars
13/5/2026
Translation: Jessica Johnson-Ferguson
Young children aren’t very good at lying. Unless they feel pressured to do so. In that case, kids as young as four are masters at fibbing.
In their early years, children have a relaxed relationship with the truth. You’ll recognise the moment: your child points out how someone on the bus looks by loudly saying, «That man over there is…» For a second, you panic and force a polite smile – until you hear the sentence end with a comparatively innocuous «…old!» and breathe a sigh of relief. Three-year-olds are generally oblivious to the fact that the truth can be concealed, distorted or denied.
Wouldn’t it be nice if they continued to tell the truth in the years to come, but learned to express it more tactfully? The ability to lie kicks in quite early. By the time children start school, most of them have developed it. It’s a gradual process; some master it sooner, others later. The skills required for this are also a sign of maturity, intelligence, and, yes, practice.
What do I know? What do the others know? How do I keep knowledge to myself and use it to my advantage without getting caught up in contradictions? Lying is a complex affair and not a part of any school curriculum. At least not in the strict sense. There are many reasons why children practise lying: fear, politeness, insecurity, manipulation – and upbringing. How they view the truth depends largely on the places and people that have the greatest influence on them. These include parents and siblings, as well as the children’s social circle at school – the latter usually being the easiest for researchers to assess.
Strict schools raise skilled liars
Psychologist Victoria Talwar investigates why and under what circumstances children are more likely to lie. In her most renowned study, she examined three- to four-year-old preschoolers from institutions with different educational approaches, one of which was very authoritarian and relied on strict punishments. The other was more liberal and focused on providing an accommodating, understanding environment.
In other words, at one school, you’d probably get off more lightly if you told a lie; at the other, you’d do anything to avoid getting caught. Surprisingly, their different backgrounds didn’t influence the children’s curiosity in any way, with both groups falling into the trap set up for them as part of the test scenario: the kids were expressly forbidden from looking underneath a cloth that concealed a toy, yet they all looked anyway. What was different, however, was their reaction to the question, «Did you take a peek?»
95 per cent of the children at the strict school lied and were alarmingly good at it for their age. They maintained eye contact and weren’t thrown off by the question, «What do you think is under the cloth?» They even came up with plausible explanations for knowing which toy was hidden, without admitting they’d taken a peek. Children from the more lenient school were significantly more likely to tell the truth – and when trying to lie, were often clumsy about it.
The truth behind this
So instead of promoting better behaviour, the stricter rules led to more elaborate lies – quite a feat for a four-year-old. Most children don’t acquire the skills to tell a coherent lie until they’re six or seven years old. In other words, the children at the authoritarian school didn’t learn to act morally; instead, they became more adept at covering their backs. It seems that the more courage it takes to speak the truth, the fewer people are willing to do so.
A recent study from Singapore revealed that parenting styles also have a noticeable influence on how «sneaky behaviour» develops over time. By looking at the parenting style four-and-a-half-year-olds were subjected to, researchers were able to make surprisingly accurate predictions whether, at age six, these children would cheat during a ball-tossing game when no one was watching in order to win a prize.
Particularly strict, controlling fathers were an indication that the children would prioritise success over morality (incidentally, something that Donald Trump still does today when playing golf (article in German). This is because the child is afraid of not living up to expectations and will do anything to protect themselves from what they perceive as failure.
Empathetic mothers can mitigate this effect. If they are also strict, the study suggests that this tends to have more of an effect on self-criticism rather than on actual cheating behaviour. The child tends to blame themselves for failing, becomes sad and withdraws. Statistically, mothers spend more time with their children, so they also have a greater influence on shaping their children’s moral compass when it comes to telling white lies.
The toughest and most sophisticated form of lying
For children, politely thanking someone for a gift they don’t like is the hardest challenge. That’s why Victoria Talwar’s standard experiment is as follows: The young participants are gifted something that’s likely to be disappointing to a child, such as a used bar of soap. Then they are asked, «Do you like it?»
According to Talwar’s research, as many as half of three-year-olds already tell white lies. In seven- to eleven-year-olds, 85 per cent often also produced a perfectly sugar-coated explanation about what they like so much about the crummy piece of soap.
This sophisticated form of lying, which serves as social hedging, is challenging. Anyone who can conceal their own disappointment while presenting a different story knows a great deal about themselves and others. Unsurprisingly, children raised in an authoritarian manner tend to be less skilled at this, as their primary motivation for lying is to avoid punishment.
How to encourage children to tell the truth
Children learn to gauge the consequences of their behaviour and act accordingly. You don’t need to consult studies to understand that trust is key to honest behaviour, but they do exist. One of them is titled Trusting young children to help causes them to cheat less. To wrap things up, here are three practical tips that are easy to read but not always so easy to put into practice:
- Emphasise the value of truth: Did something go wrong? Don’t worry about it. Instead of reacting with accusations («Did you break that?») try to address the incident in a neutral way and praise the child immediately if they admit to a mistake. Saying something like, «Thanks, that was brave of you,» definitely has a positive effect.
- Take away the fear of punishment: If a child knows they can tell the truth without having to worry about being punished, they’re more likely to do so. It’s as simple as that. However, this only works if their real-life experiences match the theory. That’s not to say that misconduct should have no consequences, nor does it mean that kids shouldn’t have to apologise or make up for their wrongdoing.
- Ask for a promise: If the relationship is based on trust, simply asking someone to be honest can go a long way. A child who promises to tell the truth is much less likely to lie.
Header image: Shutterstock/MartiBstock
Michael Restin
Senior Editor
Michael.Restin@digitecgalaxus.chSimple writer and dad of two who likes to be on the move, wading through everyday family life. Juggling several balls, I'll occasionally drop one. It could be a ball, or a remark. Or both.
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